I still feel like the Lexapro is helping some overall, but not stopping the occasional bad moment, or occasional dwelling on something, and there’s still some unwarranted muscle tension. Panic attacks seem to start up but fizzle, leaving me feeling a bit off. Last night I had a very tense dream that could have been a Valve game — hiding from soldiers with a bunch of other regular folks, trying to take shelter some kind of science fictiony complex that was experiencing a disaster… with a certain felonious President behind it all. I didn’t wake in panic mode.
If it’s still like this when it’s time for my follow-up appointment I’ll probably ask about bumping up the dosage. But the effect could still be bulding up. The stuff is slow. (Which as I understand it, is safer and better and possibly why it’s not addictive.)
We had a good Christmas at my parents’ house. The “let’s keep it simple” hors d’oeuvre that my spouse and mom made was quite fancy and way too much food — we stayed for two meals and came back the next day for more leftovers, and they still have a bit left. Some of it was excellent stuff though.
My spouse got me a print of an Egyptian papyrus style rendition of a mermaid, holding a papyrus flower — because as she was browsing stuff online she came across it and I said I liked it. I want to get it properly framed 🙂 Apparently Egyptian mermaids are kind of a theme for some reason, but this is on the more authentic looking side.
One of the things my parents gave me was a variety pack of Opopop, a gourmet popcorn where each kernel is coated in its own solid oil/butter/flavoring layer so the flavor is evenly distributed and it doesn’t come out greasy. It comes with a silicone bowl for microwaving it (I’m guessing it could gunk up an air popper). The “Test Launch” bag which is just oil and salt was… honestely some of the best popcorn I’ve had, though it smelled weird at first. There was just one slightly overdone kernel and few unpopped ones. The pack had a few other flavors to try as well. It’s much more expensive per serving than just a jar of plain popcorn, and so far the only local stores where it’s available is a chain I’m boycotting. But depending on how the other flavors go, I might have to get some online for an occasional treat.
Yesterday I finished two more tracks for the next album, which now has about 24 minutes of material and a name. I was wanting to make it soothing, but I have just followed along where the music leads, like I feel I must. I think overall it’s still on the calming side, but not going to land on any “10 most relaxing songs” list. But it’s not dull, and not truly “ambient” background stuff either.
I thought I had posted a list of books I’d read in 2024 and my favorites among them, but I don’t see it. But reading over my “2024 in review” post, it amuses me that several of the “highlights” of gear from that year are things I’m letting go of or just have not found especially essential in the long run. On the other hand, the Linnstrument and QPAS are still shining bright.
So, books. Since I started using StoryGraph, I h ave an accurate list this time without potentially forgetting anything. Here’s what I read, in chronological order. Fiction in italics, favorites in bold. * for trans/nonbinary and ^ for lesbian/gay/bi. Number in parentheses is where it fits into its series.
Who’s Afraid of Gender*
A Psalm for the Wild-Built* (1, reread)
Wind and Truth (5)
Gender Euphoria*
Tao Te Ching
Emily Wilde’s Map of the Otherlands (2)
Trans/Rad/Fem*^
The Star Thief
The Trans and Non-Binary Hero’s Journey*
Comet in Moominland (1, reread from childhood)
Finn Family Moomintroll (2)
Inanna, Queen of Heaven and Earth*
The Exploits of Moominpapa (3)
Nevada*
Ink Blood Sister Scribe
Moominsummer Madness (4, reread from childhood)
Moominland Midwinter (5)
Body Neutral
Tales from Moominvalley (6)
Moominpapa at Sea (7, reread from childhood)
Sacred Gender*
Chlorine^
Moominvalley in November (8, reread)
Gutter Mage
Dauntless^
Till We Have Faces
The Witch King^ (1)
The Fae Keeper^ (2)
The Audible Past
Life Isn’t Binary*
I Wish You All the Best*
Paul Takes the Form of a Mortal Girl*^
The Story of Silence*
Sistersong*
The Mermaid, the Witch and the Sea^ (1)
Arcane Perfection*^
Cemetery Boys* (1)
Wake of Vultures*^ (1)
The Affair of the Mysterious Letter*
Mortal Follies^
So Many Stars*
Karen Memory^
Beyond Personhood*
Marsha*
The Creative Act: A Way of Being
The Book of Doors
The Myth of the Wrong Body*
Dark Water Daughter
On Stranger Tides
The Mabinogion Tetralogy
High Vaultage
Lessons in Magic and Disaster (author*)
Never Say You Can’t Survive (author*)
Devoted to Death
Dreadnought* (1)
Sovereign* (2)
Beyond the Gender Binary*
Scatter^
Isles of the Emberdark
The Kindest Embrace If Firm Enough Can Suffocate*^
In Transit*
Symphony of the Sojurn (author*)
The Moth of the House of Hua^ (6)
All Systems Red (reread) (1)
The Flight of the Darkstar Dragon
They Mostly Come Out at Night
The Out Side*
Gender Outlaw*
Pranksters vs Autocrats
Sir Callie and the Champions of Helston*^ (1)
Sir Callie and the Dragon’s Roost*^ (2)
Sir Callie and the Witch’s War*^ (3)
Sir Callie and the Final Stand*^ (4)
Conspiracy of Ravens*^ (2)
Starless*
The Jasmine Throne^ (1)
Your Anxiety Beast and You
The Composer’s Black Box
Fear: A Powerful Guide…
A Sorceress Comes to Call
The Things We Make
Turning to Birds
The Highly Sensitive Person (reread)
The Labyrinth’s Archivist^
Daisy’s Run (1)
The Zen Experience (currently rereading, I think I skimmed it before)
On that last book… I kept getting annoyed at the misusage of “zen” to describe simply trying to calm down, or even specifically meditation. Zen isn’t about calmness per se — sometimes ancient Zen masters would shock their students into enlightenment through violence or shouting. It’s more that the ideal of enlightenment means accepting whatever. A lot of Zen is akin to absurdism, because the rational mind, language and concepts are all illusion. That aspect is what interests me most. This book is having a bit of influence over my current album and how I’m tresting it.