My doctor appointment was yesterday. For all that I stressed over it, rehearsed it, and made myself stop rehearsing it over the last couple of weeks, and then worked up a bunch of nervousness about it in the couple of hours prior to it… it was easy. I probably didn’t talk to the doctor for more than ten minutes. The nurse asked me some questions while filling out a form (probably the official evaluation). The doctor had me talk about it a bit, asked very few questions, and diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) — no surprise at all. She prescribed Lexapro, which is a usual first-line treatment for GAD because it has relatively few side effects and tends to work well for many people. She said it was good that I had an appointment with a therapist, and had me schedule a follow-up visit in eight weeks. That was it.
I stopped taking the ashwaganda supplement because it and Lexapro might interact, or the effect might stack up too much. There isn’t evidence that they do, but there haven’t been enough studies to show they don’t. Too much seratonin in your brain (like too much of anything) is bad too. The Lexapro will take anywhere from a few days to a few weeks to really take effect, but just being on it and being in the process of addressing my anxiety, already makes it easier to tolerate the symptoms and calm down the worries.
Also the reassurance that my heart rate and blood pressure were both fine, even while I was sitting nervously in a doctor’s office, has been very helpful.
Today’s my birthday. It doesn’t seem to be something to be excited about anymore, but hey, some well wishes and going to a nice dinner are pleasant things. 🙂
We’re now in that time of year when we inevitably look back. I’ll start with my list of goals/quasi-resolutions for the year…
1. Keep my head held high and my joy intact.
Yeah, definitely had some trouble with this one at times, at least the “keep” part of it. I’ll say instead, I’ve been able to restore the joy. When I got knocked down, I got up again…
2. Do not obey in advance, do not self-censor.
I don’t think I did the best at this either. I got scared. In my defense, it was scary. Anxiety or no, I think it’s gotten less scary since the blue wave in the election and the evidence that even other Republicans are now distancing themselves from TFG.
3. Trump has no power over me. He is poison.
This ties into #1. I definitely did let the news bother me several times. But remembering this was still a useful strategy.
4. Donate to trans causes.
I have been.
5. People are wrong on the internet, it’s not my job to fix them.
I *have* been better about this one in 2025, I think.
6. Gear:
I had some specific plans here, which (naturally) wound up changing. I did stick to “no more desktop synths” and didn’t get any more controllers. But I did get into effect pedals, and did make some software purchases on a whim. No actual regrets.
7. Get the deck taken care of.
We had to DIY it, but that’s done.
8. Clean up and organize some around the house
Well… we did take care of the living room floor, and have maintained it by keeping Yankee out. We did get a pantry that helped organize the kitchen a little better. But we didn’t have the spoons to get done everything we wanted to.
9. Walk, maybe swim.
I did walk some, when the weather was friendly enough. The neighborhood swimming pool turned out to be more for kids than adults and we didn’t wind up getting memberships anywhere else.
I am only now beginning to ponder goals/resolutions for next year. Take care of myself is certainly one.
The quick summary of what happened this year in my life:
- got more in touch with… whatever my gender identity is
- shaved off my beard/mustache and kept them off (and geeked out a bit about shaving soap)
- reacted to a lot of bad political news
- got my blood sugar down to 6.5
- saw a total lunar eclipse
- got lots of home repairs done
- went to the emergency room with chest pain that turned out to be nothing dangerous
- picked up a new approach/technique in modular synthesis
- played a lot of Guild Wars 2 and Soulstone Survivors
- took my family on a loooong road trip to Maine
- read… a lot
- kept making music, listening to music, thinking about music, writing stuff about music etc.
I’ll do favorite new stuff of 2025 too…
Software synth: Kontrast. Runner-ups: Sine Machine, E370 for VCV Rack.
Software effect: Futureverb. Runner-up: Big Swarma.
Eurorack module: Multimod. Runner-up: Mimetic Digitwolis.
Other hardware: Mesmeriser. Runner-up: Slöer
Book series: Sir Callie, The Shadow (Wake of Vultures etc.), The Witch King
Standalone fiction: Chlorine, The Affair of the Mysterious Letter, High Vaultage, The Kindest Embrace If Firm Enough Can Suffocate
Nonfiction: In Transit, So Many Stars, Trans/Rad/Fem, The Audible Past
Albums: Belief Defect Desire & Discontent, Abul Mogard Quiet Places, Bowery Electric Bowery Electric (hey it was new to me)
My own album: Suspension (at least if you ask me this morning)