I guess I’ve gotten used to Discord, and even though I will always prefer message boards overall, there are some advantages to its chatroom-like format. But Reddit? Ugh.
I’ve been following a couple of nonbinary gender subreddits and it is really not suited to the task. There are apparently two kinds of users: the “regulars” who actually read some of the content, and people who just drop in and ask something (or reply to something they found in a search, out of context) without reading previous posts. So there are common questions asked multiple times per day, when what some of these folks need is to both talk and listen.
And the app is kind of buggy and awkward besides.
I would have liked to be helpful and supportive there, and I have replied to quite a few posts in this short time… but it’s honestly too much of an energy drain. So here are some common questions/issues I’ve been seeing:
- “Am I nonbinary?” “How do I know if I’m really nonbinary?”
The “gender binary” is the idea that people are either “woman/girl” or “man/boy.” Most people feel like they’re one of these things and never really doubt it. Many transgender folks also have a binary gender identity, it just doesn’t match their assigned sex at birth.
Please note this is talking only about gender identity here — one’s internal sense of self. This is not one’s presentation, interests, rejection of restrictive or stereotypical gender roles, or sexuality.
A nonbinary person — if they wish to use the label — is someone who doesn’t feel like their gender identity fits completely in either a “man” or “woman” category at all times. There are many different ways this can feel, and many different terms for those specific experiences. “Nonbinary” covers them all without being specific.
The Gender Census has a “Who can take part?” section that basically is the definition of nonbinary. - “Am I nonbinary enough?”
There is no “enough” — either your identity is man, woman, or nonbinary.
This is regardless of your name, pronouns, physical appearance, desired physical appearance, presence or absence of dysphoria, clothing, interests, hobbies, and whether you’re out to other people.
Nobody should be judging “how” nonbinary someone else is. - “My family isn’t supportive.”
I’m sorry. This sucks and is not your fault. I have no advice for dealing with it personally.
For cisgender people it can be hard to even imagine what a nonbinary gender identity is like, so it’s unthinkable to them — without sufficient empathy, they just dismiss our feelings.
Also certain forces in society intentionally spread fear of anything that goes against patriarchal norms, including any ambiguity about gender identity, presentation and roles. Those people are having absolute tantrums right now because they are afraid of losing their cultural relevance.
We live in interesting times but not easy ones. Just 15 years ago nobody said they were nonbinary — we all struggled alone with feelings we couldn’t name. Right now, trans and nonbinary people are facing that backlash. It makes me think about what gay people faced in the Reagan/Thatcher years — just before the 90s brought an amazing shift in mainstream acceptance. Perhaps our victories will come even more quickly.
- “I feel like a fraud/impostor.”
This is unfortunately common. Society has not really made space for nonbinary people, so we’re continually bombarded with the message that we don’t exist and our feelings are wrong.
Some of us are not comfortable being out to everyone, either because of perceived danger, losing family support (or wanting to avoid causing loved ones stress and awkwardness), anxiety, or simply being a private person. This might sometimes also feel like we’re not being honest or cause us to question our validity — something we need to work out. We don’t owe it to the world to declare ourselves.
Some people feel like they have to “look nonbinary” to be valid. This is also something we need to overcome. Society has norms about what a man should look like, and what a woman should look like (and these norms cause harm). There are no such norms for nonbinary people. - Nonbinary appearance
Any issues with “validity” aside, most of us do want to express our identity, whether loud & proud or more subtly. It’d be nice to be recognized and accepted as nonbinary by the general public on sight, but in the present day this is unlikely. Presenting at least some ambiguity can be affirming. Many of us would also like to represent for fellow nonbinary people. But ultimately it is about what makes us feel good.
One option some people like is androgyny, a supposedly neutral middle ground between masculine and feminine. This can be difficult to truly achieve, because society trains everyone to immediately sort everyone we see into the gender binary — even babies — and will hone in on the most subtle of details to make that judgement. (Some people actually get angry if they can’t clock someone’s gender, as if they are entitled to know the gender of every passing stranger that they will never see again.) Absolute androgyny is not the goal of every nonbinary person.
Another option that some go for is a “genderful” presentation, combining appearance traits that are coded as overtly masculine and feminine, intentionally short-circuiting binary expectations. Because of social biases, this is easier if you have features that people will read as masculine (e.g. facial hair). A lot of people aren’t comfortable presenting this way because it’s inherently confrontational.
(Of course, one doesn’t have to be nonbinary to appear in these ways; some people just want to challenge social norms or simply feel that this is how they look their best or most interesting.)
The truth is that most nonbinary people, whether by personal preference or not, have an appearance that almost everyone is going to categorize in a binary way. The key is to recognize the flaw is with society, not with ourselves. - “Am I trans?” “Are nonbinary people trans?”
Generally, nonbinary people are considered under the “trans umbrella” but it’s up to each individual whether they think of themselves as trans.
Some nonbinary people seek medical assistance in altering their bodies to some extent (physical transition), while many don’t.
The argument in favor of “all nonbinary people are trans” is that one’s current gender identity doesn’t match assigned sex at birth. Nonbinary people face some of the same discrimination that binary trans people do, and many nonbinary people experience the same or similar dysphoria.
Some may simply prefer a stricter definition for “trans”, or feel that the challenges nonbinary folks face are different enough to not conflate them. Or they may not be personally comfortable with the “trans” label for various reasons. It’s a personal choice though. - “Isn’t this just an internet fad for young people?” “Is the internet indoctrinating kids?”
(This is much less of a question that actual nonbinary people have, of course)
No.
The use of the word “nonbinary” to describe gender is a 21st century phenomenon. But human societies have always had nonbinary people in them. In some cultures this was recognized and they were honored at least as equals. There is written evidence for genders other than “man” and “woman” as far back as Mesopotamia and ancient Egypt, as well as the Byzantine empire. There are eight genders outlined in the Talmud, including “both” and “neither” and four that we’d call trans (and Adam was “both” to begin with). In India, hijras are mentioned in the Kama Sutra and still have communities today. Several Native American tribes recognized other genders, now collectively called “Two-Spirit” to override European colonizer terminology. Likewise Hawaii, the Phillipines and other cultures made space for genders other than male and female. Generally, when European colonizers encountered other genders in ancient civilizations they were dismissed as “eunuchs” (despite lack of evidence of castration), and in living cultures they attempted to outlaw them.
Online communities have allowed nonbinary people to come together, share their experiences, find common ground and create terminology that had been missing in our culture, as well as advice and mutual support. This has also increased exposure to the concept, allowing people who have been questioning their gender all along to find a meaningful way to understand their experiences.
(In my case: I was born in the early 70s. I have always felt a disconnect from “boy” as a gender, but simply did not have the conceptual framework to put that in perspective. As a young teen I wrote in my journal about having male and female aspects in my mind. At the time, the only trans narrative was “woman trapped in a man’s body” and it was treated without dignity in the media, so I didn’t make that connection. In my mid 30s I happened to see an internet link that eventually led me to learn about genderqueer, gender-fluid, androgynous and neutrois identities — sort of a fringe in trans communities at the time — and suspect that this was close to solving my puzzle. A few years later the term “nonbinary” came along, unifying these different identities and building better communities, as well as finally showing me a satisfying way to understand myself.)
Nobody is trying to recruit kids to become nonbinary or trans. One should say instead that each generation has been less indoctrinated toward limited and hateful views. Boomers grew up with messages of love from the 60s; Gen X was raised to be less racist and sexist than their parents; Millennials were raised with less internalized homophobia and much stronger concern for the environment; Gen Z tend to be even more inclusive than millennials, and so on. Of course, society still has far to go.
- What’s with pronouns?
“He” and “she” and “they” and “we” and “it” and “you” and “I” are all pronouns — words than stand in for a person’s name. There is nothing sinister about them, and right-wing attempts to “ban pronouns” or claims that “there are no pronouns in the Bible” are patently ridiculous.
Many (but not all) nonbinary people don’t want to be called “she” when they don’t feel like they’re a woman or “he” when they don’t feel like they’re a man. “They” is the most common alternative.
“They” is not difficult or grammatically incorrect. As a singular pronoun, is hardly new — used by Shakespeare and Jane Austen. It’s commonly used instead of the more awkward “he or she” when speaking about some unknown person of unknown gender. It also has precedent in “you.”
We’ve long past moved beyond “thee” and “thou” and “ye”, deciding collectively that “you” works for plural, singular, subject and object. “They” as a singular pronoun works the same way.
“You are nice people but you have to do this yourselves” is plural.
“You are a nice person but you have to do this yourself” is singular.
“They are nice people but they have to do it themselves” is plural.
“They are a nice person but have to do it themself” is singular.
When someone says their pronouns are “he/they” or “she/they” or “he/she/they” that means any of them is fine.
Some prefer no pronouns at all, but their name. Some prefer “it” — it’s not rude or depersonalizing to use it if that’s what they ask for (I’m using “their” in the plural sense here).
A small number of nonbinary people prefer neopronouns — much more recently invented words. There are a lot of these, and personally I feel like this is a tougher thing to expect from people. Some of them are more common than others, and perhaps as English evolves some of them will become normalized.
What about titles? Mx. is a possible substitute for Mr./Ms./Mrs. but most nonbinary people prefer no title at all. “Sir/Ma’am” has no equivalent although many alternatives have been proposed with varying levels of seriousness (Captain, Friend, Citizen, Comrade, Your Excellence…) and again, most nonbinary people would prefer no such honorific.