taking a stab

I’m diabetic and on three different injectables: a once-a-week Ozempic (blood sugar control was the primary purpose of this drug long before it trended for weight loss), once a morning slow-acting insulin, and pre-meal fast-acting insulin.

All of these use pen needles rather than syringes — the medication is in a “pen”, and you screw on a small single-use needle, dial in the dose, poke yourself with it and hit a button. Painless most of the time, but a hassle (in addition to the process and supplies, the pens require refrigeration until first use), and expensive in America even with insurance.

When you’re done, you slip the safety cap(s) back on, unscrew the needle and throw it into a sharps container. But what if you’re not at home? A coin pocket in jeans, if you have it, can hold ONE used needle in its safety cap, but beyond that…

The Good

BD used to make a “SafeClip” device about the size of a thumb. It was great, clipping off the needle and storing hundreds of them safely inside itself, lasting for many months of regularly going out. And they were about $5 each.

A few years ago they were discontinued. Old stock lasted a while, but eventually sold out. Clones appeared on the market at $45 per clipper…

The Bad

I got a box of 5 pocket sharps containers before our TN/SC vacation. All plastic, about the size of 5 SafeClips, it fills a (men’s) jeans pocket and the needles rattle loudly inside. There’s a plastic slide on the top, which has open, closed, and permanently locked positions. It does not hold the safety caps, just the pen needle itself, which means you have to use the serrated teeth at the edge of the hole to help you unscrew it into the container and then awkwardly shove it in.

The first one worked fine, but I didn’t like it. The second one locked itself closed forever in my pocket while on vacation, rendering itself useless with only a few needles in it. The third one opened itself in my pocket more than once — the final time, it dumped out three used needles, which I discovered by jabbing my finger into one of them. The fourth and fifth ones were thrown into the recycle bin that evening.

The Ugly

I found a clipper by MediCool, $15 each. Similar to, but uglier and mechanically more awkward than the SafeClip, it claims to work for both syringes and pen needles. But the clipper is, unnecessarily, recessed deeply behind a narrow plastic hole — 4mm needles don’t even reach it. I grabbed the Dremel and slowly, awkwardly ground off all the plastic that was in the way. This makes the thing even uglier, but it does work. I can’t really say I’m satisfied, but there may not be a better alternative right now. There are 8.4 million people in the US on insulin and this is the best we get? Come on, free market, do that thing you’re theoretically supposed to do.



I’m now almost done with Trans/Rad/Fem. Like I said, the writing is really compelling and it just makes me want to devour the whole book.

One of the narratives about nonbinary gender is that many cultures around the world recognize(d) more than two genders, and in at least some cases, these people were described as “revered” in some way, often with particular socio-religious roles. And then the colonizers came along, attempted to outlaw them, and caused them to be stigmatized.

Missing from this narrative — obvious in hindsight after reading this book — is that these cultures tended to be highly patriarchal anyway and that gender-based roles likely should be seen as a red flag rather than privilege.

The author — a trans lesbian from India — says with authority that a majority of the hijra of India are trans women by identity, not nonbinary. It’s just that their society doesn’t recognize them as “real” women, because the only value women traditionally have in India is reproductive. So it shunts them off to a third gender instead — and does the same with intersex people as well as some cis women who are unable to conceive. They live together in communities in abject poverty, and their “special” roles are dancing at weddings (where this isn’t forbidden because their “barren” state might infect the bride) and sex work. And this was true before the British colonization of India. (This doesn’t absolve the colonizers of anything.)

In other cultures, it’s not necessarily the case that counting trans people as a separate gender is inherently anti-trans — but it’s not necessarily not the case either. So, maybe let’s not use cultures that we don’t understand as a model for how ours should be.

Scythians for example. They had a class of priests, born male, who were treated with estrogen extracted from horse urine and considered a separate gender. There were also apparently trans men who were warriors. But this is also a culture that treated women as property of the king, who loaned them to male warriors to be their wives and servants.

This has been why I don’t use the term “sekhet” from Ancient Egyptian either for myself or any of the nonbinary gods of my religion. We don’t really know what the word implied in Egyptian society. Probably not “eunuch” as early archeologists assumed because there’s no evidence of castration, but that leaves a lot of possibilities and not all of them are good.

poison

Yep.


I’m a sensitive person, and nihilistic hatred and bullying bother me deeply. Almost more so when directed at someone else, especially if they’re already in one or more oppressed classes. And especially when it’d done with as much obvious hypocrisy and dishonesty as has been happening right now.

My coping strategy is to classify Trump, and everything that comes from his putrid mouth or his tiny hand, as poison and deal with it accordingly. Avoid exposure and remove/neutralize it immediately in case of accident. Meanwhile I’m just going to be me and do my things, and wait. In the end, he loses.

Democrats reportedly have no plans to introduce articles of impeachment, claiming they have another strategy. I suspect that strategy is to let Trump do whatever he wants while wringing their hands and asking for donations. But I did write to my ostensibly Democratic congressional representative (who, after promising he wouldn’t run against the more progressive Cori Bush, ran against Cori Bush in a campaign funded by Republicans). I said: Trump has been violating the oath of office ever since he took it, he’s not defending the constitution, he’s merely spreading disinformation, hatred, chaos and panic for his own narcissistic ends, and he needs to be stopped.

Anyway, enough about that!


Monday I was starting to feel a bit better for a while, and I made some music. (Right now I think this is what I need more than finishing the Spectraphon project.) Perhaps I’ll fire up the synths again tonight and keep that going.

I tried the beta of MIDI Guitar 3, and… yuck. This thing has been in development for the last 7 years (after MIDI Guitar 2) and the interface is much messier and more confusing and the tracking is worse, at least playing in higher registers on my bass that are well within guitar range.

MIDI Bass 3 is also in beta, but straight from the developer’s mouth, it’s not really usable. No kidding… it was spewing nearly-random MIDI data regardless of whether I played notes. So I basically have no hope for this being released or relevant to me anytime soon. My best bet for bass stuff is still just sound design through effects.

The new firmware for Elmyra 2 is also in beta, and I gave it a try. It’s got some promising new features and a rewrite/cleanup of both the saturation and delay, but it’s also a bit of a mess right now. Modulating the delay time with CV works very poorly. The mode that switches the Wave knobs to level controls works, but switching it back doesn’t. Not ready for prime time. [Update: there’s already a fix for the delay modulation and another thing I reported, and I now strongly suspect the mode switching thing was just that my fingers fumbled. I can reproduce the fumbling fingers intermittently but the mode switch works when I’m careful :)]

Also, let me just say I dislike the update process for the Elmyra and hope I don’t have to do it too many times. You can’t update via the USB-C port on the back, instead you have to remove the panel from the case, switch a jumper, and plug in a micro USB cable to a hidden port. And the panel screws go into square nuts just loosely held by flimsy plastic tabs, and every one of them fell out of their slot from 1-4 times during the process. I think it’s a great instrument for the price in a lot of ways but that wasn’t a fun time. [Update: apparently the nut issue was the very first version of the case and was improved, and the desktop version comes with a nicer bamboo case now. The USB thing makes a little more sense given that there’s also a Eurorack version.]

I’ve been spoiled by beta testing stuff for Noise Engineering, and going back a few years, Mutable Instruments and Synthesis Technology. All of their products were put into testers’ hands already in a pretty good state. I think I was only ever able to report one or two actual issues with Mutable stuff across four different modules, although ALL of the testers missed a bug in Beads for months that buyers encountered days after release. I did find a whole lot of issues with FM on the E370 (go figure, the FM nerd heavily tests the FM) which got resolved over several iterations.


Most of what I read is fantasy or science fiction, with the occasional bit of science or interesting history or psychology thrown in. But this year I’m probably going to read a record amount of nonfiction, a lot of it relating to gender. Last night I started the newly published Trans/Rad/Fem, and… the author does not pull any punches. She’s from India, home to many different cultures but overall it is far more conservative and patriarchal/misogynistic than even ours is in this moment. It’s gripping reading though. And in her description of growing up with the world expecting her to be a boy and become a man, even though my circumstances were very different, I recognized some things.

It’s another book where I’m gonna need some nice escapism afterwards. Maybe I will make a project of reading all of the Moomin books. I read Moominvalley in November 4 years ago and really liked it, despite its melancholy. And some aspects of it might be good for this kind of time in history.

week 1 of… hopefully less than 208

Apparently Marco Rubio issued instructions to the State Department to halt processing any passport applications with the X gender marker — not very long after mine began processing.

  • If it goes through with the X: it’s going into a drawer, and will not to be used for travel at least until Chump is out of office.
  • If it goes through with the M from my birth certificate: it’s going into a drawer, not to be used for travel. And then it will be corrected when the next president fixes this stupid shit.
  • If it doesn’t go through at all: they have effectively stolen the application fee, the extra fee for expediting it, and (if they don’t mail it back) an original birth certificate. I will join whatever class-action lawsuit results from it.

Again: this is really all just symbolic for me (aside from the money, which wasn’t much in the scheme of things, but still). This specific order is a potential disrption or actual threat to trans and nonbinary travelers, and other aspects of the orders are going to cause very real harm (if they haven’t already) as well as worsening a mental health crisis. Of course officially sanctioned transphobia, combined with releasing a bunch of anti-democracy fascist terrorists from prison, is a horrifying combination.


I wrote an email to my parents updating them about my gender identity and asking them to use they/them pronouns. Also, and I felt this was important, saying that I don’t think I should feel awkward talking about this stuff with trusted family and friends.

That was late at night; I spent most of the next day worrying whether it would or had upset my mom. But then, she sent me a text saying she’d meant to respond earlier, and please don’t take the delay as a negative reaction, and she’d have some questions another time. Okay, that works.

It’s been hard to concentrate on much else this week. Quasi-doomscrolling, commenting a lot on Reddit posts. I donated to the Trans Empowerment Project and Lambda Legal (as well as the Transgender Law Center on Monday). Bought some books and some stickers. Have been playing Guild Wars 2 again, now with a “male” elementalist who looks very femme, because Fuck Trump. Ultimately I know I’m not going to stick with the character or the game very long but it’s provided some distraction instead of doomscrolling. Probably music would be a better distraction but I guess I’m not punk enough to be immediately inspired by this sort of thing instead of just depressed and angry and anxious, so I need to work back up to it.

it’s not OK, but it will be.

This morning I caught up on Chump-related news, which was a mistake. I spent some time in a depressed funk, staring into space. Thought about calling in sick and going back to bed, but I probably wouldn’t be able to sleep enough. Then it switched over to a low-grade, fight-or-flight panic attack. Not nearly as bad as the ones I had at work in 2020 before lockdown and work-from-home, but still.

I guess I am going to go back to my low-caffeine protocol for a bit, and remove myself from more news-related forum threads. This morning I’m listening to calming and healing music. I’d absolutely go for a long walk around the lake if it weren’t for lingering ice and snow and still-cold temperatures. I may pause in the Spectraphon study, and just make some actual music. I have been playing Guild Wars 2 again (with a “male” elementalist who looks extremely femme, as an act of spite).

I get the distinct impression that Chump is a weak-willed, weak-minded, crumbling shell of a person, fully being manipulated by the Project 2025 folks and techbros. The executive orders smell of AI-generated text, as well as phrasing and vocabulary that Chump would never use himself, and he didn’t read them before signing them (the person passing him the papers to sign was summarizing what they were for). He’s already lost the plot several times in public appearances, and one of these days it’s all just going to unravel. But what will be left when it happens, I don’t know.

A slightly encouraging thing: I got an email last night from the State Department that they have begun processing my application. They really are working overtime to get as many done as they can. I just checked, and the DS-11 form hasn’t been changed and the form filler webpage still allows “X”. And the WH press secretary has announced that the executive order is not retroactive — existing passports will continue to be valid. Renewals will be forced to switch to sex assigned at birth, but adult passports last for 10 years, and all of the X passports are young enough to make it at least halfway into the next president’s term.

Also this darkly hilarious reminder that Chumpian “biological truth” is not based on biology or truth:

“Produces the large/small reproductive cell” is indeed a standard that biologists use — but even if this wording were changed to “at birth” it still be super awkward and the definitions circular. I will take my amusement where I can.

low

One of the first bits of news I found out about this morning is that the Chump regime really does have “day 1” anti-trans and anti-nonbinary executive orders written up. I really had assumed that he didn’t actually care about this as an issue, and it was not at all a priority even among his supporters, but here we are.

The whole thing is just performative hate, told through imprecise and nonsensical language. The main thrust of these orders:

  • passports and federal prisons are no longer supposed to recognize gender identity, only biological sex
  • the First Amendment guarantees the rights of people to disrespect trans and nonbinary identities
  • federal funding is denied to any institution that acknowledges transgender identities (e.g. VA hospitals can’t provide gender-affirming care, schools have to deadname kids and send them to the wrong bathrooms/locker rooms, etc.)

    Naturally, the claim is all of this is supposed to protect women’s safety and dignity as well as “biological truth” — things that Chump has never cared about. But it protects no one and benefits no one. It’s nothing but an attack.

Despite my resolution to not let the bastards get me down, you can bet this news makes me sick. (Well, really I was already feeling physically ill since yesterday, but this additional stress does not help.)

I hope that my passport application — currently in the hands of the State Dept but not yet processed — will make it through before these get enforced. That X marker is, to me, just a bit of a symbol; I hope not to ever even need the passport card because I hate flying. But symbols are important.

I’ve pondered tattoos before, but didn’t want just some random bit of art. Nor did I want a symbol of something sacred to be on a body that’s going to get sweaty and dirty. So I’ve never done it. But now… I might just get a tattoo related to my gender identity.

This morning I donated to the Transgender Law Center a second time. They are going to be very busy…

I also ordered a Blåhaj from Ikea. This is a cute squishy shark plushie that spawned memes and accidentally became a sort of trans icon due to its coincidental coloration similar to the trans pride flag. Ikea thought that was great and has used it in pro-equality ads in Sweden as well as making limited edition actual trans flag versions for a few organizations. The name just means “blue shark” and is pronounced roughly like “bloohai.” Another symbol.

PSA

Instagram makes it quite difficult to delete your account, providing instructions to use a button that has been removed. (This isn’t new shenanigans on their part though.)

Here is a post about it on Reddit.

Here is the direct link to where you can request account deletion (it gave me a message that the account will still exist for one more month in case I change my mind, then be auto-deleted.)

https://www.instagram.com/accounts/remove/request/permanent


face off

Well… yes.


It occurred to me Sunday or Monday that I could shave my beard.

Of course I could — but the idea has been off the table for roughly 35 years. Even when contemplating a more androgynous look, my line of thought has been “well, I have a beard so there’s only so much I can do.” Or I told myself that it was necessary to give my face definition, and I simply didn’t question this assertion which came from… I don’t know where.

But over the weekend I was experimenting a little with face editing apps — retouching, virtual makeup and hairstyle, AI gender changers etc. The results range from silly to horrifying to cute (but totally fake), so it was just a bit of fun. But along the way I saw a hypothetically extrapolated version of my face without the beard… and liked it.

Oddly, even after this revelation I felt like I had to seek approval and then give myself permission. But now that it’s done, I like it! It is not often that I see myself in the mirror and like much of what I see, but this was one of those times. It doesn’t quite give the impression of youth that the software version did, but it is indeed a bit more androgynous. People aren’t suddenly going to look at me and think “they” just because I don’t have chin whiskers, but that’s not really the point of all of this. That “I like it!” is the point.

That first shave wasn’t very close — I didn’t go against the grain and wanted to make sure to take it easy on potentially sensitive skin. And I should probably do stuff like exfoliate and cleanse and moisturize etc. In fact, I did a little reading and apparently some cleaning can actually help with rosacea (which is, I figure, what a lot of my face redness is). So I’ll give that a try.


I forgot to mention in Wednesday’s post that I’ve set myself up on The StoryGraph (user name Starthief), if you want to follow along.

My list of reads from 2024 is missing some re-reads, and a few paperbacks & hardcovers (mostly bought years ago at library book sales). I certainly remember reading The Big Book of Cyberpunk. But I do have my Kindle data to look at. Nonfiction books are highlighted.

Martha Wells, Witch King
Nino Cipri, Finna
Edward Hallowell & John Ratey: ADHD 2.0
S. L. Huang, The Water Outlaws
John Scalzi, Starter Villain
Nicki Pau Preto, Bonesmith
Neon Yang, The Genesis of Misery
Manuel Gonzales, The Regional Office Is Under Attack!
Shannon Chakraborty, The Adventures of Amina el-Sirafi
Charlie Jane Anders, Promises Stronger Than Darkness
Elizabeth Bear, Ancestral Night
Linda Nagata, Blade
Jessica Best, Stars, Hide Your Fires
Richad Kadrey & Cassandra Khaw, The Dead Take the A Train
Charles Stross, Season of Skulls
M. R. O’Connor: Wayfinding: The Science and Mystery of How Humans Navigate the World
Sim Kern, The Free People’s Village
Grant Morrison, Luda: A Novel
John Sarno, Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection (I can’t recommend this)
Hannah Whitten, The Hemlock Queen
Dan Charnas, Dilla Time
Martha Wells, The Book of Ile-Rien
Martha Wells: Between Worlds
Sarah Gailey, River of Teeth
Heather Fawcett, Emily Wilde’s Encylopedia of Faeries
Maria Ying: Those Who Break Chains (all 5 books in the series)
Ben Pechey: The Book of Non-Binary Joy

Of these, Finna was probably the quirkiest, and was super fun — a portal fantasy centered around Ikea — although River of Teeth was also bonkers. The Free People’s Village might have been the most thoughtful of them, and Luda perhaps the most twisted. Those Who Break Chains was both sexy and creepy, often at the same time which is quite a feat.

ADHD 2.0 was very helpful to me; though I won’t say that I have ADHD I certainly have those “variable attention stimulus traits.”

as pie

I hadn’t mentioned it here yet, but we had Some Weather a couple of weekends ago. A layer of ice — not super thick to ruin trees and power lines, but definitely enough to make roads troublesome — followed by thundersnow, followed by more snow, bitter cold for a couple of days and then some more snow on top. Since then we’ve had a couple of days above freezing but then back down again.

11 days later, most sidewalks are still buried (sometimes with 8+ foot tall mounds). There are several roads where they didn’t quite clear the entire lane. I made zero effort to clear our driveway, aside from digging out my car when I got stuck backing out the first time, and the tire tracks are packed ice.

But I did clear the snow and ice from our steps and front porch, for the safety of delivery folks. In retrospect, this was not a great idea for health reasons. The American Heart Association recommends a lot of caution for folks 45 and older when shoveling snow, or doing anything particularly strenuous in cold weather. Cold temps constrict blood vessels, snow is heavy, and the kind of movements involved tend to be unusual for most people and also cause additional strain on the heart. My heart health is honestly pretty good relative to everything else, but that chore took most of the afternoon (including long breaks to recover) and wiped me out. The exertion sneaks up on you FAST and next thing you know, you’re sweating uncontrollably and want to go without cold weather protection, which will only make it worse. And it takes several hours to feel normal again. I guess I’m just not going to do that anymore.

“Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds” is sort of an informal motto of the USPS, and they used to use it in advertising — but that originally comes from Herodotus, writing about the Persian empire! USPS does not pay people well enough for that kind of dedication. At least locally, they also frequently screw things up big-time. I’ve had two packages (ordered before the new year, shipped shortly after) arrive in STL, immediately get sent to North Carolina, bounce back two days later, and languish in the regional distribution center for a week. This is not at all the first time this happened, and usually there isn’t even bad weather to blame.


Yesterday I had my passport acceptance appointment at the Brentwood public library. Despite my needless worrying, it went super smooth, and took less than 10 minutes. The librarian who did it was super friendly and professional, had clearly been through the process several times, and didn’t ask at all about my choice of the X gender marker. Bonus: the foyer of that library has a collection bin for clothing donations for trans and queer youth, including adult sizes… so now I know where to drop off the things I’d like to let go of.


I’m working on that study of Spectraphon, but slowly. It’s a complex module and I don’t want to rush it. But I’ve also still got some lingering ick from the post-Christmas bug we picked up, sapping my energy.

And also… lots of reading. Brandon Sanderson’s Wind And Truth, the fifth novel of the Stormlight Archive series and the end of a major arc, has a word count that exceeds the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy. I finished reading it in 9 days.

(My Kindle is kaput. It just won’t hold a charge anymore. But I found that the Kindle app on my phone is actually a better reading experience anyway. Much more responsive, color, can scroll continuously and smoothly, faster download, fits in a pocket and is pretty much always with me. If I do decide I want a bigger screen, I’m gonna go back to the Android tablet route, but this time from some reputable brand. But I don’t think I need that.)

As one might expect, Wind and Truth was a lot. The overall device for the book was excellent — a 10-day countdown to a final confrontation, with battles for several locations presided over by different characters. The end is worlds-changing enough to provide a much-needed reset and consolidation for the back half of the 10-book series: a new conflict, new actors in play, new rules.

But I think in some respects it was almost too ambitious. Few of what should have been the huge glorious moments or the really awful “oh shit” moments hit with the same kind of emotional impact than in the first 3 novels. (There were no points where I just had to put the book down, cry for two minutes either for joy or sorrow for a character, and then continue.) I also feel like some characters got the short end of the stick, in terms of how vital their missions ultimately seemed.

I do feel like I want to read an overall synopsis of the entire series.

metabye

This blog got its start when I left Facebook in 2018, with the last straw then being some sort of claim they made about “paid protestors funded by George Soros.” But I stayed on Instagram until now, despite it being owned by the same company, because it felt different.

No more.

I was already feeling like Instagram was starting to suck lately, becoming more and more like Facebook. Looking at my feed, it’s got WAY more ads than ever before. Some of them are very clearly tied to things I have browsed on my phone without interacting with any Meta apps, despite my having set every possible privacy option. Others are wildly irrelevant to me and my interests, including ads for some really questionable supplements and other things that I’ve repeatedly told it not to show me.

And the algorithm is very clearly emphasizing more commercial and influencer-ish accounts over regular people — so even the posts between the ads are more like ads. Even where the subject matter relates to things I’m interested in, a neverending barrage of promotional posts is just boring and tiring.

I miss the pre-2007 Livejournal days so much — where we could read/see posts in chronological order from accounts we followed.

Zuck and Meta have been in some news recently:

  • Zuckerberg donated $1 million to Trump’s inaugural fund (a few months after NYT wrote a puff piece about how Zuck is “done with politics”). Apple, Google, Amazon, and OpenAI all followed suit.
  • Meta’s “President of Global Affairs” was replaced with W’s former chief of staff.
  • It was revealed that Meta had been blocking searches for LGBTQ-related keywords as “sexually suggestive.”
  • Meta brought Dana White onto their board — the president of Ultimate Fighting Championship, personal friend of Trump, and assaulter of his own wife. Employees have questioned and protested this decision internally but those posts were deleted, and then posts questioning the deletions were also deleted.
  • Meta is abandoning third-party fact checking in favor of “community notes” the way X does, in the name of “free speech.”
  • Meta updated its “hateful content” policy with specific examples of what they now consider acceptable: some dehumanizing language specifically targetting women, trans people and LGBTQ people as well as claims about foreigners/immigrants relating to coronavirus. It also removed language that points out that hateful speech online can lead to real-world violence. This effort and list of examples was personally led by Zuckerburg and a few hand-picked consultants.
  • This too is being protested by employees of Meta, and the criticism is also being deleted internally.
  • Meta is moving their “trust and safety and content moderation teams” (what little they’re actually going to do) from California to Texas to “remove the concern that biased employees are overly censoring content.”
  • Meta terminated its DEI (diversity, equity & inclusivity) program.
  • Meta deleted trans and nonbinary pride themes for Messenger (originally added for Pride 2021 with much self-congratulatory language on their part).
  • Zuck added in a comment, “Reducing the number of people whose accounts get mistakenly banned is good, people want to be able to discuss civic topics and make arguments that are in the mainstream of political discourse, etc. Some people may leave our platforms for virtue signaling, but I think the vast majority and many new users will find that these changes make our products better.”
  • Zuck then went on the Joe Rogan (ugh) show for a softball interview, where he lied blatantly about “just wanting to give people a voice” and about the Biden administration screaming and swearing at him on the phone demanding censorship. He didn’t at all mention the constant pressure from conservatives to stop fact-checking idiotic COVID claims and such. When finished with that, he took off for Mar-A-Lago to personally lick Trump’s boots.

So, I’m virtue signalling the hell off of Instagram. I downloaded all of my photos and videos (there’s an option buried in the account settings), made a post about why I’m leaving, deleted the app off my phone, and set a calendar reminder to delete the account.

the stuff I’d put in a nonbinary FAQ

I guess I’ve gotten used to Discord, and even though I will always prefer message boards overall, there are some advantages to its chatroom-like format. But Reddit? Ugh.

I’ve been following a couple of nonbinary gender subreddits and it is really not suited to the task. There are apparently two kinds of users: the “regulars” who actually read some of the content, and people who just drop in and ask something (or reply to something they found in a search, out of context) without reading previous posts. So there are common questions asked multiple times per day, when what some of these folks need is to both talk and listen.

And the app is kind of buggy and awkward besides.

I would have liked to be helpful and supportive there, and I have replied to quite a few posts in this short time… but it’s honestly too much of an energy drain. So here are some common questions/issues I’ve been seeing:

  • Am I nonbinary?” “How do I know if I’m really nonbinary?”

    The “gender binary” is the idea that people are either “woman/girl” or “man/boy.” Most people feel like they’re one of these things and never really doubt it. Many transgender folks also have a binary gender identity, it just doesn’t match their assigned sex at birth.

    Please note this is talking only about gender identity here — one’s internal sense of self. This is not one’s presentation, interests, rejection of restrictive or stereotypical gender roles, or sexuality.

    A nonbinary person — if they wish to use the label — is someone who doesn’t feel like their gender identity fits completely in either a “man” or “woman” category at all times. There are many different ways this can feel, and many different terms for those specific experiences. “Nonbinary” covers them all without being specific.

    The Gender Census has a “Who can take part?” section that basically is the definition of nonbinary.
  • “Am I nonbinary enough?”

    There is no “enough” — either your identity is man, woman, or nonbinary.

    This is regardless of your name, pronouns, physical appearance, desired physical appearance, presence or absence of dysphoria, clothing, interests, hobbies, and whether you’re out to other people.

    Nobody should be judging “how” nonbinary someone else is.
  • “My family isn’t supportive.”

I’m sorry. This sucks and is not your fault. I have no advice for dealing with it personally.

For cisgender people it can be hard to even imagine what a nonbinary gender identity is like, so it’s unthinkable to them — without sufficient empathy, they just dismiss our feelings.

Also certain forces in society intentionally spread fear of anything that goes against patriarchal norms, including any ambiguity about gender identity, presentation and roles. Those people are having absolute tantrums right now because they are afraid of losing their cultural relevance.

We live in interesting times but not easy ones. Just 15 years ago nobody said they were nonbinary — we all struggled alone with feelings we couldn’t name. Right now, trans and nonbinary people are facing that backlash. It makes me think about what gay people faced in the Reagan/Thatcher years — just before the 90s brought an amazing shift in mainstream acceptance. Perhaps our victories will come even more quickly.

  • “I feel like a fraud/impostor.”

    This is unfortunately common. Society has not really made space for nonbinary people, so we’re continually bombarded with the message that we don’t exist and our feelings are wrong.

    Some of us are not comfortable being out to everyone, either because of perceived danger, losing family support (or wanting to avoid causing loved ones stress and awkwardness), anxiety, or simply being a private person. This might sometimes also feel like we’re not being honest or cause us to question our validity — something we need to work out. We don’t owe it to the world to declare ourselves.

    Some people feel like they have to “look nonbinary” to be valid. This is also something we need to overcome. Society has norms about what a man should look like, and what a woman should look like (and these norms cause harm). There are no such norms for nonbinary people.
  • Nonbinary appearance

    Any issues with “validity” aside, most of us do want to express our identity, whether loud & proud or more subtly. It’d be nice to be recognized and accepted as nonbinary by the general public on sight, but in the present day this is unlikely. Presenting at least some ambiguity can be affirming. Many of us would also like to represent for fellow nonbinary people. But ultimately it is about what makes us feel good.

    One option some people like is androgyny, a supposedly neutral middle ground between masculine and feminine. This can be difficult to truly achieve, because society trains everyone to immediately sort everyone we see into the gender binary — even babies — and will hone in on the most subtle of details to make that judgement. (Some people actually get angry if they can’t clock someone’s gender, as if they are entitled to know the gender of every passing stranger that they will never see again.) Absolute androgyny is not the goal of every nonbinary person.

    Another option that some go for is a “genderful” presentation, combining appearance traits that are coded as overtly masculine and feminine, intentionally short-circuiting binary expectations. Because of social biases, this is easier if you have features that people will read as masculine (e.g. facial hair). A lot of people aren’t comfortable presenting this way because it’s inherently confrontational.

    (Of course, one doesn’t have to be nonbinary to appear in these ways; some people just want to challenge social norms or simply feel that this is how they look their best or most interesting.)

    The truth is that most nonbinary people, whether by personal preference or not, have an appearance that almost everyone is going to categorize in a binary way. The key is to recognize the flaw is with society, not with ourselves.
  • “Am I trans?” “Are nonbinary people trans?”

    Generally, nonbinary people are considered under the “trans umbrella” but it’s up to each individual whether they think of themselves as trans.

    Some nonbinary people seek medical assistance in altering their bodies to some extent (physical transition), while many don’t.

    The argument in favor of “all nonbinary people are trans” is that one’s current gender identity doesn’t match assigned sex at birth. Nonbinary people face some of the same discrimination that binary trans people do, and many nonbinary people experience the same or similar dysphoria.

    Some may simply prefer a stricter definition for “trans”, or feel that the challenges nonbinary folks face are different enough to not conflate them. Or they may not be personally comfortable with the “trans” label for various reasons. It’s a personal choice though.
  • “Isn’t this just an internet fad for young people?” “Is the internet indoctrinating kids?”

(This is much less of a question that actual nonbinary people have, of course)

No.

The use of the word “nonbinary” to describe gender is a 21st century phenomenon. But human societies have always had nonbinary people in them. In some cultures this was recognized and they were honored at least as equals. There is written evidence for genders other than “man” and “woman” as far back as Mesopotamia and ancient Egypt, as well as the Byzantine empire. There are eight genders outlined in the Talmud, including “both” and “neither” and four that we’d call trans (and Adam was “both” to begin with). In India, hijras are mentioned in the Kama Sutra and still have communities today. Several Native American tribes recognized other genders, now collectively called “Two-Spirit” to override European colonizer terminology. Likewise Hawaii, the Phillipines and other cultures made space for genders other than male and female. Generally, when European colonizers encountered other genders in ancient civilizations they were dismissed as “eunuchs” (despite lack of evidence of castration), and in living cultures they attempted to outlaw them.

Online communities have allowed nonbinary people to come together, share their experiences, find common ground and create terminology that had been missing in our culture, as well as advice and mutual support. This has also increased exposure to the concept, allowing people who have been questioning their gender all along to find a meaningful way to understand their experiences.

(In my case: I was born in the early 70s. I have always felt a disconnect from “boy” as a gender, but simply did not have the conceptual framework to put that in perspective. As a young teen I wrote in my journal about having male and female aspects in my mind. At the time, the only trans narrative was “woman trapped in a man’s body” and it was treated without dignity in the media, so I didn’t make that connection. In my mid 30s I happened to see an internet link that eventually led me to learn about genderqueer, gender-fluid, androgynous and neutrois identities — sort of a fringe in trans communities at the time — and suspect that this was close to solving my puzzle. A few years later the term “nonbinary” came along, unifying these different identities and building better communities, as well as finally showing me a satisfying way to understand myself.)

Nobody is trying to recruit kids to become nonbinary or trans. One should say instead that each generation has been less indoctrinated toward limited and hateful views. Boomers grew up with messages of love from the 60s; Gen X was raised to be less racist and sexist than their parents; Millennials were raised with less internalized homophobia and much stronger concern for the environment; Gen Z tend to be even more inclusive than millennials, and so on. Of course, society still has far to go.

  • What’s with pronouns?

    “He” and “she” and “they” and “we” and “it” and “you” and “I” are all pronouns — words than stand in for a person’s name. There is nothing sinister about them, and right-wing attempts to “ban pronouns” or claims that “there are no pronouns in the Bible” are patently ridiculous.

    Many (but not all) nonbinary people don’t want to be called “she” when they don’t feel like they’re a woman or “he” when they don’t feel like they’re a man. “They” is the most common alternative.

    “They” is not difficult or grammatically incorrect. As a singular pronoun, is hardly new — used by Shakespeare and Jane Austen. It’s commonly used instead of the more awkward “he or she” when speaking about some unknown person of unknown gender. It also has precedent in “you.”

    We’ve long past moved beyond “thee” and “thou” and “ye”, deciding collectively that “you” works for plural, singular, subject and object. “They” as a singular pronoun works the same way.

    “You are nice people but you have to do this yourselves” is plural.
    “You are a nice person but you have to do this yourself” is singular.
    “They are nice people but they have to do it themselves” is plural.
    “They are a nice person but have to do it themself” is singular.

    When someone says their pronouns are “he/they” or “she/they” or “he/she/they” that means any of them is fine.

    Some prefer no pronouns at all, but their name. Some prefer “it” — it’s not rude or depersonalizing to use it if that’s what they ask for (I’m using “their” in the plural sense here).

    A small number of nonbinary people prefer neopronouns — much more recently invented words. There are a lot of these, and personally I feel like this is a tougher thing to expect from people. Some of them are more common than others, and perhaps as English evolves some of them will become normalized.

    What about titles? Mx. is a possible substitute for Mr./Ms./Mrs. but most nonbinary people prefer no title at all. “Sir/Ma’am” has no equivalent although many alternatives have been proposed with varying levels of seriousness (Captain, Friend, Citizen, Comrade, Your Excellence…) and again, most nonbinary people would prefer no such honorific.